Go Cleggy

I’m watching the leaders’ debate that I recorded last week. Awesome. Can quite see why  Nick Clegg came out on top. He’s the only one who sounds like he knows what he wants and believes what he’s saying. I was going to vote lib dem anyway purely on the basis that it’s time for real change, not just another see-saw between lab and con but I’m even more committed to that after seeing this guy in action.

Let’s give him a go.

Oh, and I don’t like the tax stuff in their manifesto. But I’m going to vote for them anyway. There is going to be some pain to get the country back on track and at least the lib-dems are making a convincing stab at costing it out.

Posted in Politics | Leave a comment

Gordon misses a trick

I won’t be voting Labour. I never have. However, I do have some advice for Gordon that I believe if heeded would do the Government nothing but good. Of course, if Gordon isn’t listening (very likely since I doubt he’s one of my five readers) then perhaps Nick or Dave should strenuously suggest it. After all, if Gordy listens, it was your idea (I require no accreditation) and if not, he’s just improved your election chances still further. It’s a win win.

The plan? Authorise every British consulate the world over to block book hotel rooms in the vicinity. Instruct them to block book coaches and despatch them to major cities the world over. Instruct stranded Britons to go to those cities and get on those coaches. Don’t send the coaches to Calais, send them to Holland and Germany to utilise ferries from there. Buy bulk places on ferries and pay whatever is necessary to get ferry companies to squeeze in more capacity. Use those hotel rooms to put up Britons while the coaches start to flow and the backlog starts to clear.

Tell the people not to worry. Tell them the government will recover hotel and food costs from the airlines when it’s all over. Let’s face it, the sooner this is done, the less liabilities for food and hotels the airlines will see. The airlines should cooperate with this.

Total cost? I’d bet less than 10 million. A lot of money for sure, but you will buy the vote of everyone you repatriate and everyone who is waiting for them. Buying votes is not exactly democratic but you can defend this position.

The opposition say “it’s wasteful, knee kerk”… you say “Tell that to the stranded people, may of whom on their one holiday of the year on a budget airline in jobs that won’t pay them when absent, with children missing school and running up debts that will take them years to pay off as they dwarf the cost of their hard saved for holiday”

What else can the opposition say? The worst they can say is that you delayed a rescue. That will be true so you can stand up and say “Yes, we delayed, we had to wait and see but enough’s enough now, we’re acting and we’re getting people home”.

The opposition will accuse you of buying votes, of course they will. They will accuse you of making political capital out of a less-than-end-of-the-world scenario. But you will be able to stand up in the next debate and say, “whatever you think of this government, whatever happens in the election I will sleep well knowing that I mobilised the power of our democracy for the benefit of people in need when the people needed it”.

Only good can come of this for the Government, if you act now, and act big. No more lame warship gestures with space for a few hundred people. Go in heavy and sort it out. This exercise will cost you less than one day’s War.

I commend it to the house!

Posted in common sense, Economy, Life, Politics | Leave a comment

Think before forwarding that warning email

I received the following email from undoubtedly well-intentioned email contacts.

4 THINGS YOU PROBABLY NEVER KNEW YOUR MOBILE PHONE COULD DO
There are a few things that can be done in times of grave emergencies.
Your mobile phone can actually be a life saver or an emergency tool for survival.
Check out the things that you can do with it:
FIRST Emergency
The Emergency Number worldwide for Mobile is 112.
If you find yourself out of the coverage area of your mobile; network and there is an emergency, dial 112 and the mobile will search any existing network to establish the emergency number for you, and interestingly this number 112 can be dialled even if the key pad is locked. Try it out.
SECOND Have you locked your keys in the car?
Does your car have remote keyless entry?
This may come in handy someday.
Good reason to own a cell phone: If you lock your keys in the car and the spa re keys are at home, call someone at home on their mobile phone from your cell phone. Hold your cell phone about a foot from your car door and have the person at your home press the unlock button, holding it near the mobile phone on their end. Your car will unlock. Saves someone from having to drive your keys to you. Distance is no object. You could be hundreds of miles away, and if you can reach someone who has the other ‘remote’ for your car, you can unlock the doors (or the trunk).
Editor’s Note: It works fine! We tried it out and it unlocked our car over a mobile phone!’
THIRD Hidden Battery Power
Imagine your mobile battery is very low. To activate, press the keys *3370 #
Your mobile will restart with this reserve and the instrument will show a 50 % increase in battery.
This reserve will get charged when you charge your mobile next time.
FOURTH How to disable a STOLEN mobile phone?
To check your Mobile phone’s serial number, key in the following digits on your phone: * # 0 6 #
A 15 digit code will appear on the screen. This number is unique to your handset.
Write it down and keep it somewhere safe. When your phone gets stolen, you can phone your service provider and give them this code.
They will then be able to block your handset so even if the thief changes the SIM card, your phone will be totally useless.
You probably won’t get your phone back, but at least you know that whoever stole it can’t use/sell it either.
If everybody does this, there would be no point in people stealing mobile phones.
ATM – PIN Number Reversal – Good to Know
If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an ATM machine, you can notify the police by entering your PIN # in reverse.
For example, if your pin number is 1234, then you would put in 4321.
The ATM system recognizes that your PIN number is backwards from the ATM card you placed in the machine.
The machine will still give you the money you requested, but unknown to the robber, the police will be immediately dispatched to the location.
This information was recently broadcast on CTV by Crime Stoppers however it is seldom used because people just don’t know about it.

The first three should be obviously bollocks to most people with enough IQ to actually use a mobile phone number but in case not, here is a link to some folks who did bother to research rather than mislead others into potentially dangerous beliefs.

On the crimestoppers mention, which has been subtly changed to be UK centric from a well known US hoax mail, the crime stoppers website contains a response about it.

The only one that is correct and useful is item 4. Everyone should record their IMEI number in case of phone theft. Calling your network to block your SIM will stop you getting call charges but blocking the handset itself makes it worthless to the thief. However, for an IMEI blocked by your network to become known to the police and all other networks takes up to 48 hours. If you simply goto Immobilise and register your details and your phones (you can do all the family’s phones and other property too and it’s FREE.) Then in the event of theft you can obtain the IMEI easily to report to your network. But you can also mark it as stolen on your account (in addition to calling the police of course) and this will mean that your details as the apparent owner and the fact that it is stolen will show up on the Police National Mobile Property Register INSTANTLY. Additionally, the phone will not be able to be traded in at most second hand stores because they use CheckMEND which is also notified instantly.

Please, do us all a favour folks and do not forward on warnings that you have not verified.

  • Do you want a traveller to a foreign country to feel threatened and dialing some stupid number that they found out from you instead of finding out the REAL local emergency number before travel?
  • Do you want a sick infant on holiday to die because the stupid ignorant unprepared parents assumed that what you forwarded was real instead of checking?
  • Do you want to be responsible for the ATM holdup victim who gets stabbed because they entered their pin backwards 3 times and the assailant couldn’t get any money? They then bleed to death in the mistaken beliefe that the police or an ambulance is going to show up before they check out?

These are real situations with real dangers.

I’ve had email for 20 years just about and can honestly say that I have NEVER received an email like this one that was substantially real. These days, you can debunk these with 30 seconds effort on Google. If you can’t be arsed to do that, just keep them to yourselves.

Total time to do a little research and type the above? 15 minutes. Google found the crimestoppers and hoax debunk pages in a little under 1.3 seconds. You see? you could check before forwarding.

Declaration of Interest: I’m a director of Recipero Ltd that owns and runs Immobilise and CheckMEND and provides the National Mobile Property Register to the Police and other government agencies. This doesn’t colour my advice though, merely explains why I make it my job to know this stuff. Of course this blog and all the comments on it are my personal comments and views and not those of Recipero Ltd, as if you needed telling.

Posted in common sense, Email scams, Hoax, Media, Rant, Silliness | 1 Comment

Common Sense Fail

My father-in-law called the theatre ticket line. What follows is an incredible failure of common sense on the part of the theatre, the ticket office or both.

“I’d like to book tickets for next month’s show, no expense spared, it’s an anniversary present. What are the best seats in the house?”

“We have front row seats available Sir, would that be ok?”

“Yes, perfect, thank you.”

The booking is concluded and the tickets duly arrive just one week before the show. My father-in-law examines the tickest. They are marked with a warning “restricted viewing”. This seems very odd. He paid a lot of money for the “best seats in the house”. How can the front row have restricted viewing?

He calls the ticket line.

“Hi, I’ve received my tickets but they state ‘restricted view’. Can you tell me what the restriction is? They’re front row tickets after all”

“Well, my notes here Sir say that due to the proximity of the front row to the stage, you won’t be able to see the actors’ feet.”

“You’ve got to be joking. When I asked for the best seats in the house they sold me front row. They’re not the best if you can’t see the feet can they?”

“They are very good seats sir, the best. You just may not always be able to see the actors’ feet”

“But we need to see their feet, that’s kind of the point!”

“I don’t understand Sir.”

“It’s Riverdance! The show is Riverdance. The feet are the show!”

“Sorry Sir, why is that?”

“Well, it’s Irish bloody dancing! They don’t move above the hips. That’s what its all about. The show is about dancing. With feet.”

“I see Sir, would you like me to change your seats?”

“Yes! Yes I would!”

“Let me see…”

“Sorry Sir, there are no other seats available. It’s very close to the show day you know.”

Only one thing to do in situations like this. Hang up. Find wall, proceed to bang head against wall.

Posted in Bad service | Tagged , | Leave a comment

Mum was wrong

“What’s all this about motorbikes then?” says my Mum. Ah… so, her neighbour (hello Lorraine) has been on facebook again and has noticed my latest post. So, to make sure that they’re both on the ball I thought I’d post some information that Mum should be very interested in…

Dear Mum,

Eating cheese before bed does not give you nightmares. Sometimes I eat cheese sandwiches before bed just to test that I’m still right on this and you are still wrong.

Apple skin does not “rest on your chest”. Unless you actually drop it before eating it.

My face will not “get stuck like that”. As I write this I’m pulling a very odd face indeed. I’ve also left a window open to ensure the wind is blowing past. I’ve been doing this for several minutes now and my face has not yet stuck in its contorted state. I’m pretty sure that it’s not going to.

Fear of an accident is no reason to wear clean underwear. It’s just good hygiene. In any event, during the worst accident I’ve had I thought I’d probably crapped myself but it turns out the only skid marks were from the tarmac. In either case, the cleanliness of my underwear prior to the accident was of no concern to me and of less concern to the hospital staff.

Watching TV does not make your eyes square. Anyway, TVs are wide-screen these days so if there are any ill effects it’s more likely to involve rectangles (16:9 ratio) than squares. We also have high definition these days so I think watching TV is actually likely to improve my eyesight.

I didn’t wear my glasses and I have 20:20 vision today. I told you I didn’t need them. My son though DOES need his. So Ollie, if you’re reading this just read the bits above and realise that your Dad was right about a lot and I’m right about you really needing to wear your glasses.

It doesn’t matter whether you slice the cheese on the long side or the short, it goes just as far. The volume does not vary depending on the cut.

Sitting on the radiator does not give you chilblains. It does however give you plumbing bills and the occasional need to re-plaster.

Eating the seeds of apples/oranges/grapes etc. will not result in a tree or vine sprouting from my bottom. Yes, I’ve checked.

Playing with it will not cause it to fall off. Though speaking as the father of three boys I understand why you were keen to make a point on this one.

Posted in Dear diary, Life, Parenting | Leave a comment

Biking Bug Bites

It has to be fate! A chap turns up to collect some kid’s toy that we Freecycled (essentially, you give stuff away instead of it going to the tip. Check it out on yahoo groups). He is on a motorbike and while my wife collects the toy I ask about his bike and we get talking. It turns out he is an owner of what may be the county’s largest bike shop!

He tells me they hire bikes (their website doesn’t give a clue to this) so I’m starting to get excited. We establish that they will hire any bike from their used or demonstrator stock, £150 for a weekend. So, now I’m hooked, I’m figuring when is the next free weekend. We talk some more and my wife muses why I’m talking about hiring and not buying. Well, I explain that’s because I’m really holding out for a Triumph Rocket III – the world’s largest production motorcycle. All 2.3 litres with enough torque to tow icebergs.

Now, for “The Sign!”. It turns out he JUST TODAY took in a 2009 Rocket III with less than 4000 miles on the clock AND I can hire it. It has to be a sign. The stars were aligned just right today. I was meant to ride this bike and ride it I shall. Maybe I’ll buy it. Let’s see if I’m still lusting after it when I’ve spent the weekend in its company!

Posted in Biking | Leave a comment

Kuala Lumpur Gifts

So, as you do when you have young children and you’re travelling you buy tacky gifts at the airport. You know the type of think… wristbands, pencils, pens, keyfobs…

Buying gifts at the airport isn’t in the same category as buying your wife flowers from the petrol station on the way home either. The gifts are tacky but kids like tacky. All they really want is something that has the name of the place you visited and is small enough to take into show-and-tell on monday. This type of souveneir isn’t sold in the massive shopping mall next to your hotel, it might be sold at some tourist spot but on a busy business trip generally you are not going to make it there. So, the airport is the place. The place you can rely on for the little things that get kids wonderign about the world and gives them something to look up on the globe, pin to a map, whatever.

This has worked very well in a recent spate of business travel. Wristbands from The Netherlands, Key Fobs from Paris, Red Sox plates from Boston (best not mention this last one since I bought three and only had two on unpacking in the UK…) but Malaysia? No. At Kuala Lumpur International Airport you cannot buy this stuff. You can buy Gucci, Dunhill, Perfume, Cigarettes, Cigars, Booze and Kids toys that you will find in Tescos all over the world. You can buy chocolates and you can buy Union Flag Key Fobs and little Beefeater figurines from the KLIA branch of Harrods but can you buy a T-Shirt “Someone who loves me went to KL and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”? No. Can you buy a key-fob, medal or indeed any piece of tat with “Kuala Lumpur” emblazoned upon it? No.

Fortunately, anticipating a certain lack of shopping ability on my part rather than cheesy-gift-free-zones my Wife makes plans for my failure to obtain appropriate gifts and has a certain stock of location agnostic giveaways that could be from anywhere and are at least something, rather than nothing.

I type this on a Malaysian Airlines Business Lounge PC, gazing onto a pristeen  taxi-way awaiting the flight home. The headache has almost gone, the Nausea already has and the “Kuala Lumps” (think Delhi Belly) seems to have, how shall I say, run their course.

Wait! Genius! I just notices a small pile of identical postcards. Pictures of a 747-400 at KL and on the back it says “Malaysia”.  They will do. Write a “Wish you were here” message on them and post through the door back home. Three delighted kids guaranteed. Thank you Malaysian Airlines!

“Flight MH4 now boarding at gate 4.” I have to go…

Posted in Dear diary, Life, Parenting | Leave a comment

Audi good service experience

Warning, not my usual whiny “I hate the world and the world hates me” type post common recently.

So, my car tells me last week that the oil is low. Not just low. It’s “At the minimum level”. I must top-up.

I found this hard to believe, it’s only done 5000 miles since new. Regardless, I check the oil level, of course.

I find it to be at the maximum. At least that’s what I convinced myself. I am still convinced I saw it at the maximum on the dipstick. I’m convinced, and yet I am pretty sure I simply have to have been wrong. This particular dipstick was mistaken.

In my defence, the fact that I did not top-up and the message disappeared for another day and 60 miles before reappearing (it was on for a full day’s long drive the first time) lends some credence to my opinion at the time that it must be a faulty sensor.

So, I call my Audi dealer on Monday and they ask me when I can bring it in, they’ll need it for an hour to do diagnostics. I’m leaving work early on the wednesday anyway and the garage is on the way to my destination so I suggest wednesday at 3pm. “Yes, no problem, see you then.”

First gold star then. They are willing to look without question and have a slot within 48 hours exactly when I want it. Coincidence, sure, but it all counts.

So I pitch up on time and the service rep is out within 2 minutes to gather a “history”. Takes the keys, offers me coffee etc. which I decline and go for a walk for an hour.

55 minutes later when I”m just a minute from getting back they call me to say the car’s ready, all sorted.

They let it cool down, checked the oil and found it was at it’s minimum so topped it up. Ok, now I’m embarrassed but even so I have to wonder when did a new car need oil between services? He explains it happens occasionally before the first service. Not so much “running in” these days but “bedding in”. Ok, this sounds plausible. Now, I’m expecting to be hit with a bill for oil and maybe some labour.

“How much do I owe you?” I ask.

“Nothing”.

“Great!”. No charge for the oil. No charge for looking at it AND they stuck a litre in the boot “just in case” I need more before the first service.

Full marks all round Audi. Actually, Northfield Audi of Tetbury, Gloucestershire. I’m a little worried that with service like this I made have paid too much for the car. You just get what you pay for then? Perhaps. I’m happy though.

Posted in Good service | Leave a comment

Parents to vote out management teams

Good grief. Labour are at it again. This time it’s the even more bonkers than usual suggestion that parents should be given the right to “vote out” the senior management teams of failing schools and “vote in” the senior management team from an “accredited” school.

I see a couple of problems with this. First, the aim is to have 500 “accredited schools”. Well, there are around 30,000 schools in the uk. So thats a 1 to 60 ratio. I would challenge any school management team no matter how good they are to manage a second school as effectively as the first without declining standards in the first. Unless the rate of failing schools is less than 2 in 60 then this means every accredited school will be split between two schools and there will be an inevitable decline as the performance of each reflects the split loyalties and time. If the rate is higher than 1 in 60, you won’t even find 500 accredited ones to start with!

Of course, I’m probably missing a huge amount of information that may make this idea sound slightly more plausible but hey, most soap-box ranting is under-informed, especially on the net so why should my blog be any different?

I am sure of my ground on one point though. Parents should not be given any more power over schools than they currently have. The problem is this. There are a lot of poor (morally, emotionally, not financially) parents out there. There are a lot of parents who rarely read to their children for example. There are more still who fail to hear their children read regularly. Unfortunatel,y those parents least likely to take an active part in their children’s education – the “high achieving” workaholic salary ladder slaves with mortgages and cars they can’t really afford unless they work so much they don’t see their kids – are precisely the types who will turn up to vote out a failing management team because their kid can’t read without realising that their kid can’t read because they never do it at home where it really counts.

As in all things of course, it’s a bell curve. The parents I describe above are at one end of the curve. There are parents who can’t spare the time to actually parent at the other end of the curve working double shifts just to pay the heating bill. In between there is a broad range that are doing their best and doing a good job but the problem is everyone has a vote and most parents’ experience of education is limited to just being a parent. They are not qualified to teach or to manage teachers. They do not understand the pressures that teachers are under; they do not even understand for the most part the laughable way in which the national curriculum calls for more hours to be taught each day than exist in any actual school day. (Don’t believe me… go ahead, get a copy. Add up all the recommendations. It comes to about 6 hours a day. Now how long, less lunch, breaks, registration, religion (grrrr) is left in your kid’s school day? a lot less than 6).

For crying out loud, most people you will meet in life are very likely to be insufferably stupid anyway (note: this opinion may be as a result of my acknowledged anti-social outlook and like most statistics “most” may be completely bogus.) The chances of getting a sensible reasoned decision on anything from a sample of “the public” are slim at best and parents, myself among them are well, you know, The Public.

Fixing education is simple.

1. Don’t have a national curriculum then leave wriggle room for teachers. Either give them free reign and let the cream rise or mandate the teaching so even the crap teachers can do some good and the really creative ones will go off and do something creative.

2. Have governing bodies made up of seasoned retired teachers who can serve for up to five years following their last full time teaching post. They should have the power to separate the wheat from the chaff. They should get paid.

3. Don’t try to kid parents that it is school’s job to teach their kids to read, write and add up. This is the parents’ job. The teacher’s job is to add some structure and to make sure the gaps are filled in.  This should be made clear to parents. Stop trying to come up with nannying tactics that make parents think that they can devolve their child’s education to the school alone.

It’s not much is it? I could go on… how about not letting kids move on a year until they’ve reached the required level of attainment in the current year. If they don’t get it, they do it again until they do. Sure, it would be chaotic at first, it would have to be flexible and schools would have to adapt and have the resources to adapt to their local mix of abilities. But no-one would leave school not being able to read, write and add up unless they also needed so much help that they needed help to live independently anyway.  Did you see that program “Kids can’t count”?  quite shocking. Lots of poor teaching going on there admittedly but I’d bet that the most chronic under achievers are not getting the support for learning from home that they need either.

Rant over. I feel better even though it’s highly likely that no-one is reading this and less likely still that anything will change because of another whiny blog post.

Posted in Education, Parenting, Politics | Leave a comment

Shrek stole my life

I watched ‘Shrek the Halls’ tonight with the family. I think the story was based on my life and I’m not seeing a penny in royalties. Can I sue?

Lets examine the evidence..

First, there is more than a passing physical resemblence between Shrek and I. Anyone who knows me could attest.

Like me, Shrek has three offspring who confuse him with some invincible young person with boundless energy who is impervious to pain inflicted while ‘play’ fighting.

Like me, Shrek has a best friend who is annoyingly optimistic and has to be told quite clearly when his visit is over and it’s time to go home. Sorry Si – you know it’s true.

Like me, Shrek lives in a house that has too much stuff in for its size.

Like mine, Shrek’s house is in a swamp. Not literally of course. But I think of the swamp as a metaphor for living on a modern estate – despite this one being very pleasant by many measures.

There’s another similarity. Shrek likes his swamp too.

Shrek knows the only bastion of peace is the toilet. An Englishman’s home may be his castle but a Dad’s sanctuary is the loo.

Like me, Shrek has an appalling diet. This is because we both know that anything that lengthens the time we can plausibly remain in the throne room is a good thing.

When Shrek shouts, the family listen… then ignore him anyway.

Princess Fiona was a babe before he met her and now she’s an ogress. This is a statement of fact and unlike all the others above bears no resemblance to my life whatsoever.

Shrek is not at all scared of his wife.

Posted in Grumpy old man, Life, Parenting, Silliness | Leave a comment